Calvin Chuu

holy moly, i didn't expect the garage to have 3 BOXES of BOOKS from DAD!!!!!!!!! What the heck!!!! And a box of ancient slides!!!! What am I suppose to do with that? I wish I knew earlier than I could donate them to MBCLA Library but not now, my last day in LA!!!!

I got AAA, LIbrary, Goodwill...and friend

and myself....

may God be with us~

Again, I am here in America, in the house, packing and cleaning up the place, alone. Mom left on Sunday. Praise God that we got a tenant who will be living at our place starting February, bad thing is that I only have about 7 days, a week, to clear the house and my left leg is still recovering from that basketball injury back in November.

I get sentimental when looking and then throwing away old things. I felt very thankful when I was looking at my FAFSA and financial aid statement. The government basically paid for my tuition all 4 and a half years except summer school. I went through a lot of things and there are so many things that I just don't want to throw away but I must. It's hard letting some of the things go. They would be trash in someone's else eyes but meant a lot to me. I looked at my old notes and how neat they were and how much knowledge I took in (and how much I forgot) and wondered what all those great knowledge I could actually apply. I do apply some of them in my life and they do shape my thinking but it seems like they are quite useless as far as getting me a job or earning me money. Well, I think that's liberal studies for you.

I do treasure my college education in the US. I think it's a must and I would actually tell others in Hong Kong that they should go into a well-respected university in US for studies. It's just very different, it's like a whole different world.

Looking back at the documents, some camp notes and I realized the core of my character actually has not changed much. I am still the same guy. It makes me think of the say, "You are who you are all along."

People ask me quite often, "Will you become a pastor." And I usually say, probably not. The standard answer is "when the Holy Spirit calls" and I would add,"You have to be very sure that the Holy Spirit calls you in order to serve." And I stand by that. Looking at my dad and his friends (seminary classmates and fellow pastors), being a pastor is very very very very difficult job that require a lot from the heart and soul as well as the whole family. Compare with my dad at the age he went to seminary, I fall very short in term of generosity, heart, care and love. I am much more reserved and shy. Less of an outgoing person. It's a very demanding job. You don't get into it unless you are called from above. You need to know yourself very well and be sure that you are not going into it for other purposes than to serve God. Ministering to church can be a very messy business.

Yes, I know I am studying film, but for a while now, I had been wanting to take some seminary courses, not to become a pastor (something I am too chicken to) but to have a better understanding for the words of God. And at other time I would think about studying counseling to counsel PKs and pastors. I think that is a much needed service. I needed it myself. And now, I sometimes think about getting training to train others. I see the values nowadays to be rather chaotic. And that training the next generation of pastors is a very important a vital ministry (as well as training laymen, leaders). Well, I will take it a step at a time.

There is a Christian Counseling program at Morling College near Macquarie University but it's not supported by FEE-HELP...bummer. It's a very new program so...let's wait and see.

i m cleaning up my old room or daniel room and there are so much textbooks, dad's stuff and other books. It's all a bit overwhelming. it's like going back in time.

my mom found a pile of documents of a research project i once did on my last quarter at UCR with Prof. Biggs. I still remember. It's somewhat an unfinished project and it felt like it's such a waste not finishing it completely. kind of like a wasted investment. i don't even remember where I found them. it's a lot of decisions making, what to sell, what to give away, what to keep and what to throw away.

there a lot of good books that i can't sell for a good price. i wish i have my own place to keep them, to have several bookshelves, a little library of mine in Australia. Just a nice little place would do. 2 bedrooms. maybe even a studio and i would have 2 neat shelves of books, kind of like a collection.

i think it is about time i seriously think about what kind of life i would like to have. maybe it's an overdue question that i had been delaying in answering or is it too early to think about it. I think it's about time.

i kind of did things the opposite way. most people my age are financially well, with a stable income, planning for their next several years of life, some already married, some already with kids, some with their houses or at least car and i kind of went back to school, studying something that's probably not going to grant me financial stability.

part of me is tire of moving around.

how can i get a balanced life? everything i do seems to take such a large effort.

and when packing, i think about...man, where will i be? it's an unsettling thought. it's unsettling to be packing stuff and not know where they are going to be and at the same time, where I m going to be.

I woke up early yesterday but I still had to rush out of the house, dropping my plan to make my own breakfast. I got there just on time and was actually quite proud of myself when I arrived at Causeway Bay with much time to spare.But then I bumped into 2 old women carrying 2 bags and i just followed them and helped them to carry the stuff up the stairs.

Interning has been really boring and almost everybody at Visible Record were sick the past week. I am glad that I am getting this week off. It is also a very unhealthy location with all the air pollution from the traffic.

Met up with people over this week and the past week. Met up with Pui Ho, Sally, Sherry, Annie and King Kong. It was fun. I like hanging out with them better, just simpler lot then some of the others. It was just more relaxing. I guess we are like a bit outside of the in circle. There is caste in my fellowship actually and it's based on income, education, background and relationship (who do you know). It's crap. I am not sure if it's on purpose but it just happen that way. This crowd is the working class, mostly not uni-educated and earn less but gosh, does it really matter? Should it matter? What is our real value?

I guess it's very normal but the people in the other income bracket actually do hang out a lot more together. There are couple tiers.

Anyway, we had a lot of fun. We ate and played games at one of those cafe up in the buildings. I enjoyed it a lot and afterward we all went down to buy clothes for Ms Chan who is leaving us thanks to some morons. She's a big lost to us.

Saturday, I met up with some Australian church people and then I did my preparation for leading Bible study. I had been preparing on and off for about 3 weeks. I later went back to church to finish my preparation but it wasn't that great. there was a lot of space it's a bit distracting and I knew it too because just being at church made me think about a lot of stuff.

There I found out that one member, a BB leader will be going hiking... My heart just dropped. I am not sure if she saw my expression, i was trying to hide it. I am a little sick of it actually, these schedule conflict with BB. Whenever there is a BB meeting or event, it seems to be always during small group. We have a couple who's leading BB and they said the would come to Sat small group instead of Friday's because of work but then...there's BB on Sat. I think they come about once a month, which is not enough.

Small group is struggling because we don't have enough members coming regularly and it discouraging to other group members when people don't show up regularly. It discourages the small group leader too. KK is pretty drained.

I was actually quite nervous about leading BIble study because I had not led one for 6 months and Isaiah is not easy, and it was 4 chapters too.

Then I went to meet up with Pastor Yap at Prince Edward MTR. I forgot my phone so I had to be there on time and i was a little late actually. It always good to see Pastor Yap and it was a bit counseling and it was good how we can talk about life and talk honestly. Sometimes, the world seems like a pathetic place. "To change the world and then to not let the world change you." Thanks for dinner~

Then we went to the bookstore to get a gift, then I had to say goodbye and run off back to church for fellowship.

SOmething changed. We had the general announcement down stair but i didn't know that, we used to do that upstair so I was waiting for like 10 minutes and then i went downstairs to check and they were all there.

I always felt that I did not prepare enough when I lead Bible study and because of my nervousness, I sometimes get lost. But this time actually went pretty good. I prayed a bit before hand. I was very nervous, i could feel my heart rate. Only 3 small members showed up. Cow, KK and Terence. We had a visitor, Gary, from Group 3 and then our seminary student intern, who's our mentor. It's actually okay but we were missing most of our regular small group members which is a little discouraging. But it went well. They were so quiet. Gary was really quiet. I would ask for response and Gary in particular would have nothing. I am not quite sure why. I think he's quite opinionated and I know he's has pretty strong character, but I find him to be rather quiet around me. But it's better than before I went to Aus. Ricky told me he has to go somewhere. Ricky. If there's something fun to do or some tasty food as part of our activity, will be there. Bible study...well, probably depends on who's here. He would be here if a pretty girl was here I think haha.

There were different views on the scripture, but I guess since I had been reading a commentary and been looking at it for 3 weeks, i saw a lot more in it. And I do find that, yes, it's the person leading the Bible study who get the most benefit or am blessed by the words despite the hard work. Isaiah 36-39 is very rich. I wasn't able to talk about all that I saw in it and all my points but I was able to cover most and the seminary student, Connie, said I led very well, which is nice. Only heard that once before. But better learn from Hezeiah to not be prideful.

Connie was the most active participant actually. It was her last day studying Bible with us and we had a drink, well i did, everybody else had noodles afterward.

She's from Logos I think and she was telling us how there are so many assignments, just non stop. WE both agreed that it's not the best way to learn. I am actually concerned about seminary training in HK. I think one of the reasons being that half of the pastors at our church are not very well developed. On paper, they look good, both had BA degree (in math and science) and also MA at seminary, but a mature Christian would know that their theology is a bit shaky. Actually there's a lot of postmodernism thinking in their sermons and thinking. There is not a very strong backbone. It's a bit shocking because one of them went to the arguably best seminary in Hong Kong and they read a lot of stuff and did a lot of training (writing papers and school work) but what I find is a eagerness for the newest theology research or academic theory but not so much Biblical teachings.

There are a lot of character frauds in characters too. Most people don't know but I find out when working with them and just being the PK. They are quite worldly. Often preaching one thing and doing another. Very nice to important church goers but not so to someone like me. It's like a dumb popular contest. Earning love from church goers, preaching what is popular instead of what they are suppose to. There is a lot of covering up. It's just really discouraging. Just a lot of manipulation, sneaky maneuvers going on. Lots of talk but no action. I hope this is not the general case with younger pastors these days. I wonder if this is a Hong Kong issue? I wonder if this is the fault of seminaries nowadays in Hong Kong or just the people in general in Hong Kong?

I hope I am wrong.

It's good to be back in Hong Kong but at the same time, there is a little bit of an adjustment. It was good to be in my bed again but then my room is so small and cramped. It reminds me of Mongkok, and I don't really like living in Mongkok. I feel so cramped. I also have to get use to my mom again, or someone to tell me to do things.

I have to get used to my room again, my bed, the humidity of Hong Kong, this space.

I need to make a list of things to do before I leave this place for the summer:

-Enroll in the right classes (Today)

-Find a place to stay next year, and also check Centrelink for Rent Assist (MONDAY)

-Make a meal or treat them for the Wongs (17th Nov Tuesday, 20th Nov Friday, 23rd Nov Monday?)

-Convert Australian Dollar to Singapore Dollar (Any day of the coming week in the morning)

-Finish the Thanksgiving Video for church (Think of ideas and record the coming Sat and when I see the guys, make sure my camera has battery and memory)

-Reply Kian on leading small group and short term mission in Indonesia

-Get together with Michael Lai (Coming weekend)

-Get together with Godfrey-watch a movie (Sometime this week weekdays)

-Maybe watch Zidane with Dennis and other soccer fanatics. (Bright, Jonno, Adrian)

-Clean up Room, and pack

-Do laundry and find my basketball shorts.




Today at church, I finally said hi to an older girl who was my sister's friend. The Chinese girls are a bit weird or super shy in the sense that they know how I am but they never said hi to me for all these time. Actually some of them would not wave back when I say hi to them. It's totally weird. I was thinking, "What did I do to you to deserve this invisible status?"

It's the late 20s early 30s crowd that does that. It's just weird. I don't get what it is. Another brother told me that they are just a bit weird and have their own world. Whatever that is. It's saying "hi", not about killing somebody or reaching out to the sick.

Another brother told me too that it's weird how we don't say hi. Some of the Chinese congregation are just like zombies, you say hi or wave to them you get silence. I just don't know what that is.

Tin Chuen is a bit like that, actually even worst. Do we have so many ultra introverts at church? I think people are just too closed in, too familiar with their own clicks and bubbles that they don't know what to do with themselves when they see someone different.

I am an introvert, Jen is an introvert, Janice is an introvert, but we kind of make ourselves to greet others. It's not natural for us but we learned that it's not so bad. It's fun and really, not that horrible. You are suppose to act as sisters and brothers, not strangers or people who are afraid of one another. What harm can small talk cause you? Your soul?

So we finally talked after all these time. I asked her, "Do you recognize me?"
"Of course I do, I wouldn't be able to recognize your brother though, how's your sister and family?"

Maybe they are just super shy. I think she is. But some others, they just don't want to talk to you for some strange unknown reason.

so on Wednesday, i handed in my last assignment, LATE haahahahaa. It's so doggy.

The funny thing is, it is a bit like reliving high school. I really felt I was back in high school after i handed in my papers.

i have about 2 weeks before i leave Australia.

Here are stuff I need to do:

Return to UTS to re-edit and back up my stuff.
Buy an envelope for my instructor to mail me back my stuff.
Find a new place to stay for next year.

Yesterday, I went back to UTS again to meet up with Kian on helping out at Focus next year. He was asking me if I would like to lead a small group in Cantonese or English haha. It's a little funny in the sense that people in Hong Kong made fun of me a lot with my Cantonese. But Focus needs someone to reach to Chinese students. And right now, I think there isn't anybody who can speak Mandarin fluently or at least good enough to explain the Bible and theology.

I hope that I can get more involved in campus ministry next year and this is good i think. Kian also asked me if I wanted to join the Indonesian short term ministry next year during the semester break in July. It would so hot. I told him i would think about it. There's one going to Japan and another one going to Indonesia. I think a lot of people want to go to Japan and I actually never been to Japan and actually it would be more expensive.

Indonesia, he said would be cheaper and he's actually a Chinese Indonesian.

I changed my flight from Jan 15 to Nov 24 leaving Sydney to Singapore and then arriving at Hong Kong on Nov 28th a Saturday.

That means I can play in 3 Tin Chuen basketball game. Go to Singapore for a while. And maybe have 3 months in Hong Kong which....is .... a very long time.

In my life, I have a history of spending my summers in Hong Kong. The ones when I return from America were quite boring. I think I should go traveling.

So I might be spending 3 months in Hong Kong and I need to find something to do. I can always make some money by tutoring.

Well I have a list:

If I am to be in Hong Kong for 3 months:

-Take a month to go learn Mandarin in mainland China, preferably Xian or Nanjing or some place beautiful and cheap.

-intern or volunteer at related business like a film production house or ministry. I am contacting Tammy Cheung. I need to look at more.

-Volunteer at something worthy

-go on short term mission

-travel for a few weeks

-and there's always the option of working my butt off at church


So even when there's nothing to do, i can make my own film or stop motion animation

It's seventh week and it had been really tiresome for the past 4 days or so. I basically had 2 assignments due so there was a lot of shooting. For me, the worst part of it was carrying all the heavy equipment around on our backs. For the drama class, the 3 grad students were grouped together. It is not ideal really, all of us except one is a newbie. And worst, none of us have a car. Actually many people don't have car, but the stuff were really heavy. We needed 2 breaks just taking the lights to Central Station. Martin and I later joked that we are so stronger now. And worst, I am the biggest out of the threesome so everybody felt like I should carry the heaviest stuff but I am not that strong really. I have weak upper body strength and my left leg is a bit messed up. I really would rather be grouped with some of the undergrad who have 1-2 years of film training under their belts but I it wasn't meant to be.

I really missed my red van the last couple of days.

About the red van, I realized that it would be more economic if I traded it in for a smaller car when it was still somewhat valuable. But then it was so useful when I moved to and from uni. I basically could fit everything in it when I left uni during the summers and when i left the apartment.

but it did ate a lot of gas, like a rent worth of gas during the months when i drove a lot.

I learned a lot from my classmates actually. Probably just a bit more from my instructors haha. We are always working in group project and we just picking up things from one another. One of my partners is James and he's not a very communicative kind of person, at least with me, but he had this great vision for the video we were doing and he drove it home and nailed it. I was basically just tagging along. I don't think he is the best guy to work with because he's a bit dominating and he doesn't notice it but he is serious. There's no slap job, he gets thing right.

I am generally pretty amazed at the quality of work my classmates are creating. Some of the undergrads are a bit immature and basically act like high schoolers but most of everybody are crazily into their craft which is an excellent thing.

I am not sure but it seems like adults turn into kids, especially men, start to behave like boys to a certain age. Or maybe it is because we are always kids and that when we are tire at old age, we get too tire to act adult and let our childish ways slip out.

Anyway, I am starting my 3 weeks of school at UTS. I went back to SCAC ROckdale for the second week but this time I went to the English service where many of my old fellowship friends are. I realized that I didn't tell a lot of people that I was arriving, in fact, probably only 1 person knew beforehand. Several people know that I was coming sooner or later but didn't know when exactly.

Bright took me the first time and he was kind of sick, he's better now, but it is such a warming feeling that even after all these years we are still like brothers. Other than our appearances, we are the same guys, I probably changed a lot, not that very active teenager but he haven't change one bit. We are still there.

Saw some old friends. It was a bit like coming home except everybody is older now. I kind of like how some of the neighborhoods are still relatively the same unlike HK where stuff go through like a complete transformation every few years. You can be reminded of your roots.

Sermon was alright, actually, it can't be that bad when it's from the Bible. It was Pastor Choi from Perth who is a Cantonese from HK who has been living in Aus for over 15 years. I know most of the songs but some were sang with a slightly different melody. I think it is a different way of singing. In AACF at UCR we kind of sang with our guts, from deep down (maybe it's just me) but here, maybe it is because there are too many girls, it's really composed, light and soft. It's nice, but I like singing from deep within, like releasing something from the guts with more accents and crescendos and descendos. They sing really calmly at this church or English congregation and there are 100 people when everybody is here as I was told.

I saw Katrina when I turned around and Janice was in front of me and Katrina was surprised to see me, we waved and it was so funny. So like a girl still. After service Katrina and Zena came over and gave me hugs while I was still seating down. Such Aussies, the young ones, less reserved. I was caught off-guard. We are actually only a few years different in years but back when we were kids 2-4 years meant a lot.

After service we walked around and went to a coffee shop and it was nice just hanging out. They have so much hanging out time here, it's like more hanging out time than I would get in a month with my fellowship in Hong Kong. We ate lunch together and then we had more hang out time. Janice joked, "Is that too much hanging out for you?" I am just not use to so much free time. Danny was still helping out with the poster so Phil gave me a ride back. Phil is a really jolly guy.

At night, I went to Auntie Cat's place for dinner. I kind of invited myself over. I actually just wanted to see if I could have dinner at her place in the future when I m by myself. She invited me over for Sunday night. It was good to catch up and see the old house again. I actually wanted to walk there just to know how to get there. Karina and Celina were there and we basically grew up together and were neighbors for most of my time in Australia so it was a bit weird now we are in our 20s and their parents are retiring.

just looking back at the postings, it is pretty negative huh?

Right now we are having a garage or yard sale at home. Not much business being July the 4th but we did sell like $40 worth of stuff. For ... $80 of stuff. It's pretty slow now actually we haven't sold anything for the past 3 hours. It's almost 4 pm now. So I as well might pack up the stuff.

Went through a lot of stuff while packing and cleaning up my room really. I have so much stuff here. And we are actually quite time pressed to clear up everything. We need to do a lot of stuff to rent the house out. I am not even done with my room. I think I basically have to throw a lot of things out. It's really hard to sell my stuff, the worst are the books which cost a lot but I am not going get much back from them and in the end I might have to donate them somewhere, probably the library in Arcadia and to the church library.

And then there are the art works and photographs. I just want to find good place for them.

You know, I do think about why don't I just stay back here and try to find a job. Well, the economy is pretty bad now but I think I can still find a job somewhere. I can rent out the rooms in the house.

Actually, that was my original plan when I graduated. I was going to find a job in something, or go back to school, live here while renting some of the rooms out, at most 2.

I went to HK to basically take a break after the wedding banquet and was looking to maybe teach in China, Japan, or somewhere in SE Asia. Woah I get 5 bars of wireless connection in the front yard.

Things kind of jut made a turn. Decisions are weird. They really changes things.

I wonder why don't I just find a place where i m comfortable in and just stay there. Maybe like here. I will see how things would go in Oz. definitely not in Hong Kong, well, I guess really not at TC. Maybe like teach in an international school and go to another church. Is there a normal church somewhere? I really just want to fit in. Just be a common church goer. Be treated as another person, just another church member, cared for like another church member.

I can't really be free at TC. There is just too much scrutiny. Sometimes just want to be another person. I wonder what I am really good at. Sometimes i feel like the only thing i m good at is being nice, having some moral judgment, being honest, being set apart, being alone, seeing things people can't and reflecting on things, as well as taking photographs.

After spending about 5 days with people from church on a mission trip, I found that FY is really infected. There's not much intelligence in FY and her EQ is pretty bad around me. I can sense that she is just a bit weird around me, like wearing colored eyeglasses. She is less willing to share and tries not to answer to my question, probably afraid of being wrong. BAsically, we are not on equal basis. There is a barrier between us. It's disappointing because "what the heck did i do to her?" Work of the devil i tell ya. Well, I guess she just have been listening to a lot of gossip (without know?) and probably some problems working with the pastor but what does that has to do with me? That's the crap that has to do with being the PK. People can't separate things. But really, I think she is a little immature to be a deacon and it is giving her a really hard time. I am not sure if she knows what she is doing. She has good intention but a bit on naive side and i hope God will give her more wisdom and maturity.

Had lunch with a brother and i realized how messed up and a nut case the church is. it's really disappointing. people's principles, concepts, values, theology are just all in a jumble. i don't get how people become like that? there is a weak understanding of Biblical values, to the point rwCommunism is not wrong when it has conflict with the very core value of the existence of God.
I don't quite understand it.

i think it's immaturity. it's very disappointing because there are many Phds and college degrees but head knowledge but there are too many things that I don't think they can distinguish or understand.

There is the argument about protesting, demonstrating and that it's not Christian. Christ never did such thing and that the BIble never said anything about democracy.

Communism doesn't believe in God and in practice it is a dictatorship. Whereas, democracy is based on compromise, reacting to people's interests, freedom of expression and civil arguments.

Communism is more going using human means to force equality.

I think you can tell pretty clear if someone dislike you. Maybe simple people are just easy to pick on because we can't fight back. I realize that maybe I did not have to be so worried about others. People are doing, it was only me who was getting hurt. I sometimes feel like why am I the one who has to help others. I don't know. It's my freaking nature. What am I nice, and good. It's my freaking nature. I should be the one nurtured.

Was it me? IT was really just a very short span of time from March to the present. Just 2 months really.

It was december actually.

I guess it was stupid of me to be trying to do so much. God doesn't need any protection or should I be trying hard to solve things on my own despite of my good intention. God will take care of His people, lost lamb, He himself will do what He will. I should just trust Him instead of being paranoid.

It's kind of hard to take because in my guts I think I was hurt and it is as if evil won. I just want to gave a good testimony. Maybe I did too much, but I can't help it. But I totally think I have been misunderstood.

I think I learn that man can't change people, wel i guess we can, but we shouldn't and defin

Got into UTS for the media arts and production grad diploma, now i need to apply for a tax file number.

I didn't know it but I think i am a victim of bullying at work. On general, i m basically well-liked at work because of my personality and playfulness I guess.

There was a time when my superior or manager went on leave at quite a busy time in the year. I was put in to the LS team to help out basically with globalization and i was working with a colleague. We were always in good term, she was just another coworker but the relationship went sour. at first i think because i made a comment jokingly about how it wouldn't take me so long to edit a part.

i meant it as a joke and my manager knew it was a joke to and we kind of just laughed it off but she, my coworker, didn't as i realize later on. Afterward, she was applying pressure on me, probably as revenge.

It then just get intensified and I was just wondering "what the heck", and realized she was crossing the line and was probably doing it intentionally when she was being rude and trying to humiliate me in front of others.

I didn't know how serious it was and was still being somewhat careless around her with some bad jokes that weren't aimed at anybody but she, in the hole that she was in, thought were offensive against her.

And at that time, i did try to mend things by buying ice cream for her but i think she was in a loop all in the corner. I even bought noodle for her.

There was one time when she asked me for something but she said it wasn't urgent so I did another assignment first and she came over and asked for it. i told her i forgot and she disrespected my family and commented about why i don't have a gf. I didn't care about the gf but it just clearly crossed the line when she put my family in to the mix. I calmly returned the gf question to her, "can i reverse that question?" another colleague, May was there so she was a bit shocked at this and said, "what the?"

And it just got worst there and became very obvious that she hated me with her speech and action. During this time I was basically just trying to get on her good side and tried to avoid her as much as possible, seeing if things would cool down. And I showed with my action that I wasn't trying to hurt her. I think to a point it was shared mentality but I don't think she was able to control herself with her action and thinking.

It just got worst from there when i found out indirectly that she was also gossiping. then it was a bit late to confront her i think. I should have confront her long ago, but then i didn't know it would be so serious, or become so serious and out of control. Guess i learned the hard way.

And i actually apologized to her just yesterday but it's kind of late with all the damage done already although she accepted it well.

so, another episode in learning yeah! So, it's hard to be good. especially a good man. girls are just very tricky beings.

Sharon has really good ear, she can hear even my quite rumbling and whisper. pretty amazing actually.

Usually I take advantage of public holidays because it's soo hard to get days off at work with our load, but this Easter I will probably just stay in Hong Kong. Got a lot of errands to do, and dad can't leave for Easter.

I originally planned for London but my boss did not grant me permission.

I am aiming to get at least 2 days off during the 3 days May 1 weekend. Hopefully more, just to burn more holidays before I go.

I went with Pam to Macca at night and we talked about holiday and places we wanted to go and I think she is considering leaving too. She's burning all her holidays in mid-May. She already applied.

THis week, after contemplating for over a month, I e-mailed Herman that I will be taking a break from choir from now till the end of April.

The reason is that I just haven't been able to get things together. I found myself unable to concentrate on anything or do anything well. I found myself being somewhat tire and exhausted every single day of the week. I get energized when I am with people, people actually carry me on despite of the headache or minor fragility.

So I can take Sunday off this week with the plan of finishing work which is due on Monday. In truth, I don't know how to make the deadline and am a bit sick of just handing in work that I am not quite satisfy with.

For the past 2 weeks or so, I think I have been totally humbled in many areas of my life.

Sometimes, I think we let too much church get into the household. It is something that we care a lot about but at the same time it make us tire, stressed which cause bad mood at times.

I woke up around 10, thought of running but didn't do so until noon.

I realize that the reason i m at a standstill because i m fearful. i am afraid to go deep and devote myself into anything further than from a safe distance.

i m afraid of change.

i haven't been trying hard. i never engaged, i kept myself at a safe distance.